Chicken Soup For The Cannibalistic Chicken It isn’t the passage time that causes the anxiety. It’s the mud that it tracks into the house (usually across that new carpeting in the front hall). It’s that little touch of gray that you find in your hair or beard; that horrifying moment when you see one of you parents staring back at you from the mirror; the realization the your belly has mysteriously transformed from washboard to washtub. So, you color your hair or beard (or both), stop looking in the mirror, go on a grueling diet (Dr. Charlatan’s 30 Day Gruel Diet) and begin an excruciating exercise regimen. But, you can’t exercise or even exorcise away the demons of age. The next step, in that case, is denial (and the first one to say “a river in Egypt” will be drowned in the Red Sea). Being a man, I’m not sure how this works for women (although my wife has acquired an interesting collection of “support” undergarments which might cause one to wonder where she has hidden the whips and chains). For men, however, it takes a fairly simple form: IMPRESS THE YOUNG GIRLS. More on this later (because it gets stranger). Stephen Lee

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